It’s time to make resolutions and for 2010, I've decided that my resolutions are going to be a bit selfish. Let me explain why. My problems in life are minor and typical ones: need more money, want to find love, would like to lose a few pounds. These are the kinds of things that eventually become boring to even think about because it’s mostly an everyday thought. Why have the same resolutions each year?
So as usual, in 2010, I would like to make more money, I would like to find love, and I would like to get in shape and lose a few. But this year, my resolutions are going to be more than that: I vow not to have any expectations.
This past year for me, in other people’s eyes, was one that I should feel blessed for. And don’t get me wrong, I am extremely blessed and I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am. I was surrounded by friends and family, everyone that is dear to me is healthy, I was able to go to France and Germany for free, I have a stable job in a tiring job market, etc. But 2009 for me was a year when all my expectations weren’t met.
To start off with, I have a lot of social events in my life that I look forward to. One positive aspect to living in Mobile is that there is always something going on around here. January stays a little dull, but rugby begins to start up. By the end of January, Mardi Gras is in full swing, leading to nights out at parades, Mardi Gras balls, and finally a nice three day break in the middle of February. March is when the azaleas begin blooming, the sun is shining and the weather is getting warm, and there is the start to trips to the beach on warm afternoons and rugby games at the Battleship. April is spring break for me and more of the beach, May is my birthday and then end of school. Then I have the summer off for unlimited adventures, volleyball in the fall, quickly followed by the holidays. There really is never an end in something to look forward to. But maybe this past year I looked forward to events in my future too much rather than focusing on the time at hand.
It seems like in 2009, every enjoyable event that I typically enjoy, left me feeling disappointed. Yeah, times were fun, but not like they usually are. And like I said before, it wasn’t that things were bad, but they just weren’t meeting my expectations. Could this be because I have hit an age where the things that were once enjoyable no longer are enjoyable to me?
I started off in January sick as a dog. I had been feeling ill since October when I got a flu shot, but it culminated into the full blown flu in January. After getting over that, Mardi Gras came around, and it just wasn’t as fun as it has been in the past. Spring break was spent in Destin with Mom, helping her move into the condo (which was an exciting change knowing she would be closer) .Then it lead into May, my birthday, visits from my best friend, trips to Ohio, and then my vacation to Europe.
It was on my birthday this past year that I found out Grayson was sick. At first I tried not to focus on the negative possibilities an for the time I didn’t let worry rule my life, but it quickly became an overwhelming factor. Without an understanding of what was going on with him, it was a black cloud over most every day. Even when Cara came to visit, it was overshadowed by trips to the vet, x-rays, and new medications.
Leading into June, I had a quick trip to Ohio, with a return to find that Grayson wasn’t any better. He looked worse. I was still in denial that anything could seriously be wrong with him. June was hell. Without much going on (these were supposed to be my two weeks without responsibility and time to relax) I focused on his problems and my anxiety attacks kicked in full force. I had to come to realization that my dog of ten years was dying and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. After more numerous trips to the vet, an exploratory surgery, surmounting debt, and travel back and forth to Pensacola to the specialist, I found out three days before I left for Paris that Grayson had cancer.
I was left with the realization that I would be forced (there was no way I could pass up an opportunity like this) to travel to Europe while Grayson progressively would get worse. At first I convinced myself that it would be a good break from the round the clock worry, and that I shouldn’t stop my life because of his illness. But I was gravely wrong.
I honestly don’t think a dream could be worse that taking, what could possibly be a once in a lifetime trip, while drowning in sorrow and worry. Paris wasn’t the beautiful place I wanted it to be. It was not home and that’s all I could focus on. To make things even worse, five days into the trip I became faced with the decision to have Grayson put to sleep, with only four days left until I could return. I had no other choice, and officially had my heart broken in Paris.
Returning home, I laid head on into focusing on volleyball and keeping myself busy. Volleyball season and the return to school was a welcome to me. I had little time to think of much else. Yet reality set in in October when it occurred to me just how much I had missed out on in my trip to Europe because of my sorrow. My summer had slipped away as well.
While the holidays were nice this year and my family was once again blessed, it seemed as though there was a constant reminder this year of all the family that was missing. After a childhood of family packed holidays, being in a condo with just the four of us didn’t feel as much like Christmas as it should have.
So, this year, I do not want to have any expectations. I may look forward to times, but I am not going to project all my happiness on specific events. I am going to take each day at a time and find something in that day that makes me happy. Yesterday, it was talking to the two little boys outside my house about the orange kittens, watching Ely do his happy dance, the feeling of accomplishment after working out at the gym, and a furnace that finally caught up with the cold outside. Who knows where I will find happiness today, but I do know that I want to find my happiness in what I have today and not only in what tomorrow holds. Maybe if I lose my high expectations, I will be surprised by the unexpected.
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