On Not Flying to Hawaii
in the airport restaurant
full of tired cigarette smoke and unseeing tourists.
I could turn into the never-noticed landscape
hanging identically in all the booths
or the customer behind the Chronicle
who has been giving advice
about stock portfolios for forty years. I could be his mortal weariness,
his discarded sports section, his smoldering ashtray.
I could be the 70-year-old woman who has never seen Hawaii,
touching her red lipstick and sprayed hair.
I could enter the linen dress
that poofs around her body like a bridesmaid,
or become her gay son
sitting opposite her, stirring another sugar
into his coffee for lack of something true to say.
I could be the reincarnated soul of the composer
of the Muzak that plays relentlessly overhead,
or the factory worker who wove this fake Oriental carpet,
or the hushed shoes of the busboy.
But I don't want to be the life of anything in this pitstop.
I want to go to Hawaii, the wet, hot
impossible place in my heart that knows just what it desires.
I want money, I want candy.
I want sweet ukelele music and birds who drop from the sky.
I want to be the volcano who lavishes
her boiling rock soup love on everyone,
and I want to be the lover
of volcanos, who loves best what burns her as it flows.
Rarely do I find myself going to a “club” anymore. It used to be that most Saturday nights my friends and I would end up downtown dancing. But it just doesn’t appeal to me so much now.
This past Saturday night we had a birthday dinner for two friends. The restaurant we chose to eat at (Spot of Tea) is attached to two “clubs.” The one upstairs is a very nice bar with pool tables and a DJ. It was actually once an apartment (Ultra Lounge). Downstairs is more of the typical “club” scene. The name, Club Insanity, says it all. It has a dance floor lit up with LED lights, and plays dance music while the videos play on huge TV screens around the room.
After dinner we all decided we wanted to dance. It actually was perfect for us. We were some of the first people in the club, and we had the dance floor all to ourselves. Now that I look back on it, they were playing a lot of “older” hip hop songs. You know, “I Like Big Butts” and “Push It.” As the night progressed, the songs changed to ones that I had never heard before, let alone by people I didn’t know. I think now that maybe they were playing “age appropriate” music for us.
Anyhow, we were having a great time. The club started to get a little crowded and we found ourselves sitting at tables watching everyone else dance. One guy in particular struck our attention. He looked like Micheal Phelps and was dressed in a pair of khaki shorts, a polo, and tennis shoes. Now, that’s fine, but it is January.
He immediately hit the dance floor and began doing a dance that I do not have words to describe. It was a mixture of a complicated stepping of his feet, pop and locking, and grabbing his shirt with his fingers to pull it away from his body. We all couldn’t help but clap after each time he finished a “routine.” This poor intoxicated boy was so proud of himself. He had huge satisfied grin on his face the entire time.
Soon, we began cheering him on to do the worm. He finally relented and dove onto the dance floor, flopping around, doing the worm the entire way across the floor. He popped up, ran to our table, and put his hand under his chin. Blood began dripping onto our table. He had slammed his face on the floor, splitting his chin open. One of my friends rushed to get him napkins, but he seemed unfazed and unaware of his injury. I asked to look at the cut and immediately told him he needed stitches. After an argument with his friend, he relented and left the club. We thought that was it.
Thirty minutes later, the guy appears in the back of the club, napkins still stuck to his chin, being escorted out by the manager. Apparently, he had never left but had snuck back in through another entrance! I can’t imagine what his Saturday morning felt like!
As the club began to fill up, we were entertained by a young guy who truly lived by the saying “dance like no one is watching.” He danced as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Again, indescribable and highly entertaining. We might have found the next contestant for “So You Think You Can Dance.”
"No, actually I stayed home this year."
"Oh, cause I thought I saw you in the club." T#1
"What club? Club Insanity?" I ask.
"Oh, you've been there???" questions wide eyed T#1
"Yes, I have. I'm actually going to a birthday party there tonight."
"Oh, cause I thought I saw you. She looked just like you. And she was walking with this guy. And he didn't have very much hair on his head. And I was going to say, you can do much better than him."
"Well, thanks," I say, laughing a bit uncontrolably at this point.
heard mumbling behind me- "What would we do if we really saw her at the club?"
Here is the picture that I have framed on the mantle.
I am going to use the green from the statue for the walls, and then neutral from the Opera House for the bedding.
I love this great duvet from Anthropologie.
Behind it, I might put a fabric panel. Another great idea from Apartment Therapy.
For years I’ve wanted a mirror like this. I found this one at Target.
And the coolest find of the day!! This website, Rasterbator, takes a picture that you upload and reformats it into numerous prints. They then send you the prints in PDF. You print them out and form a large image on your wall. I’m thinking of doing this with one of my pictures from Parisand then framing each image in a black frame. I think it would make a great piece of art for a wall. Here’s an example from their website.
This bedroom is showcased from the latest Anthropologie catalog. I wish I could get my room to look like this!! I did get some great ideas on how to start!
One fortunate aspect to living in Mobile is that every year when Mardi Gras begins, I have the opportunity to dress like a princess. There are numerous Mardi Gras balls, and with each, it is a requirement to wear a floor length ball gown. Over the years I have acquired a handful of beautiful gowns. Yet for the past two years, I haven’t been to a ball. It just didn’t seem like something I wanted to do. My first year in Mobile I attended four, and I think that I became burn out very quickly on the late nights and high heels.
Two years ago, I found this dress at a discount store for ten dollars! When I put this dress on, I can’t help but feel beautiful. I honestly think this dress was made for me. And it’s sad that it has sat in my closet in a back corner for two years. I took it out the other night and hung it up. It’s become my “itty-bitty string bikini.” I have worked out every night this week, cardio on elliptical, spin classes that bruised my butt, and numerous containers of yogurt. I have two weeks until my first ball this year. Here’s hoping that it fits like a glove.
Recently, while cleaning out my shed, I came across a bag of clothes. I knew that if I put it in my shed, that I must have stored them there to hold on for a reason. I’m usually pretty good about throwing out clothes that I don’t wear anymore. And I try to only hold on to the ones that are truly sentimental. When I opened the bag, I found that it was full of “sentimental” clothes. I was able to tear myself away from old prom and concert t-shirts, but I couldn’t throw away this sweatshirt. I got this sweatshirt when I was on the school swim team. I really have no clue as to what year it’s from; I swam on the team competitively for nine years. After sixteen years, it was still in perfect shape. It’s been fun wearing it and reminiscing about my years as a “Flying Fish.”
Yesterday on the way to school I was harassed by a car. They swerved in front of me, slammed on their brakes, and then continued to mess with me, waiting until I was close enough to swerve out, back in, and then slam on brakes again. They finally stopped when they saw I was going into the school. I wrote down their license plate and called the police. They were able to give me a name. It was one of my former student’s brother driving the car. I spoke to her this morning. Turns out that yesterday afternoon, in front of the school, he wrecked the car and totaled it. I’m glad no one was hurt.
It’s time to make resolutions and for 2010, I've decided that my resolutions are going to be a bit selfish. Let me explain why. My problems in life are minor and typical ones: need more money, want to find love, would like to lose a few pounds. These are the kinds of things that eventually become boring to even think about because it’s mostly an everyday thought. Why have the same resolutions each year?
So as usual, in 2010, I would like to make more money, I would like to find love, and I would like to get in shape and lose a few. But this year, my resolutions are going to be more than that: I vow not to have any expectations.
This past year for me, in other people’s eyes, was one that I should feel blessed for. And don’t get me wrong, I am extremely blessed and I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am. I was surrounded by friends and family, everyone that is dear to me is healthy, I was able to go to France and Germany for free, I have a stable job in a tiring job market, etc. But 2009 for me was a year when all my expectations weren’t met.
To start off with, I have a lot of social events in my life that I look forward to. One positive aspect to living in Mobile is that there is always something going on around here. January stays a little dull, but rugby begins to start up. By the end of January, Mardi Gras is in full swing, leading to nights out at parades, Mardi Gras balls, and finally a nice three day break in the middle of February. March is when the azaleas begin blooming, the sun is shining and the weather is getting warm, and there is the start to trips to the beach on warm afternoons and rugby games at the Battleship. April is spring break for me and more of the beach, May is my birthday and then end of school. Then I have the summer off for unlimited adventures, volleyball in the fall, quickly followed by the holidays. There really is never an end in something to look forward to. But maybe this past year I looked forward to events in my future too much rather than focusing on the time at hand.
It seems like in 2009, every enjoyable event that I typically enjoy, left me feeling disappointed. Yeah, times were fun, but not like they usually are. And like I said before, it wasn’t that things were bad, but they just weren’t meeting my expectations. Could this be because I have hit an age where the things that were once enjoyable no longer are enjoyable to me?
I started off in January sick as a dog. I had been feeling ill since October when I got a flu shot, but it culminated into the full blown flu in January. After getting over that, Mardi Gras came around, and it just wasn’t as fun as it has been in the past. Spring break was spent in Destin with Mom, helping her move into the condo (which was an exciting change knowing she would be closer) .Then it lead into May, my birthday, visits from my best friend, trips to Ohio, and then my vacation to Europe.
It was on my birthday this past year that I found out Grayson was sick. At first I tried not to focus on the negative possibilities an for the time I didn’t let worry rule my life, but it quickly became an overwhelming factor. Without an understanding of what was going on with him, it was a black cloud over most every day. Even when Cara came to visit, it was overshadowed by trips to the vet, x-rays, and new medications.
Leading into June, I had a quick trip to Ohio, with a return to find that Grayson wasn’t any better. He looked worse. I was still in denial that anything could seriously be wrong with him. June was hell. Without much going on (these were supposed to be my two weeks without responsibility and time to relax) I focused on his problems and my anxiety attacks kicked in full force. I had to come to realization that my dog of ten years was dying and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. After more numerous trips to the vet, an exploratory surgery, surmounting debt, and travel back and forth to Pensacola to the specialist, I found out three days before I left for Paris that Grayson had cancer.
I was left with the realization that I would be forced (there was no way I could pass up an opportunity like this) to travel to Europe while Grayson progressively would get worse. At first I convinced myself that it would be a good break from the round the clock worry, and that I shouldn’t stop my life because of his illness. But I was gravely wrong.
I honestly don’t think a dream could be worse that taking, what could possibly be a once in a lifetime trip, while drowning in sorrow and worry. Paris wasn’t the beautiful place I wanted it to be. It was not home and that’s all I could focus on. To make things even worse, five days into the trip I became faced with the decision to have Grayson put to sleep, with only four days left until I could return. I had no other choice, and officially had my heart broken in Paris.
Returning home, I laid head on into focusing on volleyball and keeping myself busy. Volleyball season and the return to school was a welcome to me. I had little time to think of much else. Yet reality set in in October when it occurred to me just how much I had missed out on in my trip to Europe because of my sorrow. My summer had slipped away as well.
While the holidays were nice this year and my family was once again blessed, it seemed as though there was a constant reminder this year of all the family that was missing. After a childhood of family packed holidays, being in a condo with just the four of us didn’t feel as much like Christmas as it should have.
So, this year, I do not want to have any expectations. I may look forward to times, but I am not going to project all my happiness on specific events. I am going to take each day at a time and find something in that day that makes me happy. Yesterday, it was talking to the two little boys outside my house about the orange kittens, watching Ely do his happy dance, the feeling of accomplishment after working out at the gym, and a furnace that finally caught up with the cold outside. Who knows where I will find happiness today, but I do know that I want to find my happiness in what I have today and not only in what tomorrow holds. Maybe if I lose my high expectations, I will be surprised by the unexpected.
The other morning I got an email from one of my coworkers asking me to come see her. As usual, i figured that I had done something wrong, forgetting to clock in or fill out the proper paper work for my recent absences. When I got to her office, she told me that there was something that she needed to show me, but that she couldn’t at the moment. Then she gave me one of those looks with a long pause in the conversation as if to say, “You know what I need to show you.” I instantly knew that she had her new teacup Chihuahua puppy with her. “Is she under your desk?” I whispered, leaning up against the door so that no one could see into the office. “No, she’s in that blue bag.” I looked over to her side table to see a small blue, foldable lunchbox. “In there?” Sure enough, very carefully, she unzipped the top of the lunchbox. And inside was the tiniest little puppy, wearing a red sweater and a jingle bell, lying there asleep. She had cut out the front of the lunch box to expose a mesh pocket in the front for her to get fresh air. She said that “Bella” didn’t make any noise and just lied there quietly. She was too small to leave at home due to how cold it has been recently. I couldn’t believe it. What is could be cuter than a tiny puppy asleep in a lunchbox beside you?
I am a pretty self sufficient person. I don’t have a problem living alone; I actually quite enjoy it at times. There aren’t any roommates that I have to worry about getting the rent from, sharing food with, asking to quiet it down when I have an early morning, etc. Yet, there are times when it would be nice to have someone just “there” if I did want someone to talk to. Otherwise, I am such a busy person, that I rarely have enough down time to notice that I am alone.
But one situation that makes me very depressed and extremely lonely is when I am sick. It is so hard for me to be alone when I am sick. This past weekend I developed the stomach flu in what seemed like a matter of minutes. No aches, no pains, no fever, just instant nausea. Throughout the night as my illness progressed, thoughts of dying alone on the bathroom floor filled my head. What would happen if I did die? How long would my body lie there before someone noticed that I was missing? What a horrible thought.
I began consistently calling my mom to “update” her on my illness and let her know how I was feeling. My poor mom, I know it must get tiring to hear me crying into the phone at 2am, but I couldn’t help it. I needed the comfort of knowing that someone out there knew that I was sick and would be there in case I needed help (it doesn’t matter that she is hours away) I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her to call.
That’s when I began thinking that this will be such a major requirement for me when deciding if I could spend the rest of my life with someone…. How do they treat you when you are sick? I typically don’t require constant attention or someone to dote on me, unless I am sick. I know that whomever I decide to marry someday will have to go through “the sick test” to see if they can give me care and attention I want. Can you imagine being with someone who would go and sleep in the other room, leaving you to lie and writhe in pain through the night? Not me. I need the person that will be there patting my back and handing me the wet washcloth.