Forgiveness

Josh Billings
There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

I've always been a bit of a weak hearted individual. I tend to let people walk all over me, and I don't stand up for myself. It's one of the more serious flaws that I have and recognize. It's also something that I am always trying to work on. But recently I was faced with a situation that I thought would never happen. I was given the chance to come face to face again, with a man who broke my heart.

I know, I know, everyone gets their heart broken in life. It mends and we move on. This was a situation that never seemed to be resolved, no matter how how I tried to reach closure. At first, there was the confusion at why he had simply thrown me out of his life without even a goodbye, or an "I don't love you anymore". Once I got over the confusion, I accepted that I would always obsess over the unanswered "why's". I came up with many possibilities for why he made those decisions. I filed through all the lies in my head and tried to find a reason for each one. There were the ones that I knew to likely be the truth as to why he gave up on me, and then there were the more dramatic "he must have just be out of his mind.." conclusions.

It wasn't until I finally found out that he had been unfaithful to me for over a year, leading a double life as I saw it, that I learned how to hate him. And damn did I do a good job at that. I would sit and think of ways that I would like to hurt him, or ruin his current relationship by passing on the lies that I had been told. But I kept most of it to myself, and realized that he would always be "the asshole" and hopefully if kharma worked out right, would be miserable for the rest of his life.

This hatred of him brought me to a final resting point where I learned more about myself and what I wanted from my life and the people that I allowed in it. I moved on and finally became content with my life again. I started to work on myself and set goals, most that I have been able to achieve. As I moved on, that hatred started to fade into pity. Pity at what he had given up in us and pity at how he could have become such a despicable person. It scared me that I thought I could know a person so much, only to find out that I possibly didn't know them at all. I knew at this point that it would be a long time before I could call myself anything but jaded. I swore that loyalty, love, and trust had gotten me no where in life, so what was the point of any of it. I became stronger with this scorn.

Then there came a point a few months ago when I was faced with the opportunity to contact him. Instantly I felt a panic. What would I say? Would I ask the questions I had wanted to answer? But that all faded when I realized that he couldn't hurt me anymore. He had been my best friend, then my lover, and my enemy. I could come full circle.

That phone conversation was strange for me. It was comforting to know that I could talk to him, and carry on a conversation as a friend. I didn't have to feel anything anymore when I thought about him. I also learned that he had changed. Perhaps this experience had made him a different person as well. In my mind, I hope that it was the guilt that affected him. But he had evidently become a more responsible and grounded person. And strangely enough, a person I didn't know as well. That in itself, for some reason, was comforting. Maybe because it helped me to believe that the person that had made the conscience decision to hurt me, didn't exist anymore.

Recently I was faced with a moment that I never thought would really happen. He was coming to visit me. Before I knew it, I was questioning myself. Why was he coming to see me? Why was I allowing him to visit me? Did this person deserve to have that much of a place in my life any longer? And even though I felt that I didn't owe anyone an explanation, I found myself trying to explain to people. But the explanations never seemed to make sense. Why was I giving this person another chance to be a part of my life again?

When he arrived in town I was still doubtful. Would I be able to look at him and not think back to the last time I saw him, and the feelings that I had at that time? And that's when I realized that I needed to forgive him. I needed to allow him and more so, myself, the ability to say, "I forgive you." This ability to forgive Ihas changed me even further. I realized that he is not the same person that I fell in love with, that both of our lives have changed, and yes, there were reasons that we were not meant to be together. I was able to look at him as my friend. There were awkward moments when I wanted to blow it all out and ask all the questions that I deserved answers to, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to go back to those moments. It wasn't until later that it hit me. It occured to me that he was aware of the pain he had caused me, and that maybe, just maybe, he had been in pain, too. By forgiving him, I was helping us both obtain that needed closure.

Later on, I was able to ask questions and I finally heard the truth. As much as it was probably hard for him to find the words to admit to why he had made the decisions he did, I think it might have been a bit of a release for him as well. And once I heard those answers, and I was able to acknowledge these reasons, it was over. I felt relief. Relief that I didn't really ever think could have existed.

This has been a lesson to me; a long lesson, but one that has made me the person that I am today. And through it all, I have made a new friend. Someone that has made me feel the best and the worst that my life has had to offer me to this point. There is strength in forgiveness, there is relief at letting go of hatred. I hope that my forgiveness has strengthened him as a person as well. And now when I think of him, I can know that I wasn't a bad judge of character in choosing him. He was just placed in my life to help make me a better person.