Stolen Staplers

This is why, somedays, it's fun to be a teacher....
On Friday I chose to take a personal day. Upon returning to school on Tuesday, I noticed that someone had stolen my staplers. Now one of these staplers was not simply a 'normal' stapler, but rather a stapler with the power to shoot a staple through a stack of papers with the ease of a nail gun. I went balistic! Who would steal my staplers? Instantly I accused another teacher (which I realized later was a bit irrational, but hey, i was upset). I sent students down to other classes in search of my staplers. They were no where to be found.
For motivation, I told all of my classes that I would go anywhere in town and buy lunch for the student who 1) returned MY original staplers and 2) told me who had taken the staplers.
My students were so concerned, searching everywhere, offering to buy new staplers. But they were still no where to be found. I had all but given up. Then today, I noticed a gift bag sitting outside of my classroom door. I mentioned several times to my students that someone had left a present outside, but no one said anything. Finally, after passing by this lone present many times, I peeked in.
There were my staplers, and this note:
Dear Ms. Hoeb,
I humbly apologize for the theft of your staplers. It is hard for me to admit this, but I have recently discovered that I have a fetish for these wonderous office supplies. I know, this must come as a surprise that someone could have such an obscure desire; it took me a long time to come to terms with myself. The curves and contours were just too alluring, I could not resist my baser urges.
Please, try to find it in your heart to forgive me. I am checking into therapy soon and I believe it would do me a world of good if I knew you forgave and believed in me. As Jon Bon Jovi once said:
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, wanted dead or alive, I'm a cowboy, wanted dead or alive.
I believe these words accurately convey my sentiments, and I hope you feel the same way. Additionally, I have enclosed a Taco Bell coupon good for one seasoned beef crunchy taco (offer expires 4/30/2008. Offer good only at participating Taco Bell locations. Offer excludes Chicken, Steak, and Supreme versions) to help facilitate the healing process.
Sincerely, Anonymous Stapler Lover
p.s. you might want to wash the staplers before use.
pps. to further facilitate the healing process, please keep this gift bag to use for regifting in the future.
ppps. you might want to wash the bag too.

In response, I have written the following to be read to my students tomorrow:
Dear Humble Student
I do accept your apology. We all have our own problems and I am accepting of people and their flaws. Yet, I can't help but want to bring to your attention the sincere depression that I was placed in due to the "hostage crisis" you created when you violated the delicate balance of office supplies on my desk. I cannot even begin to express the shock wave of grief that wracked my body as my eyes ventured across my desk, in search of a stapler, my hands subconsciously contracting in a "stapling motion."
Every night this week I have gone home to the meager abode, that my teacher salary can afford, climbed into my cot, pulled the worn wool blanket around my head and cried my eyes out. I mean, how else could I complete my nightly grading rituals without my trusty stapler at my side? What point was there in going on? Twice, I dialed Mr. Copeland at home to resign. What is a teacher, besides a poor pathetic human being, without her stapler? For the first time since my junior year of high school, I asked myself, "Who am I?"
I feel that only Death Cab for Cutie can truthfully express how I felt in losing my stapler:
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our mindsBut I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all Now that I have my stapler back, I will be able to sleep peacefully tonight. And thanks to your gracious coupon, I will have a scrumptious taco for dinner rather than the bran muffin and buttermilk that I had planned.I hope that in the future, with therapy and much counseling, you will learn to control your fetishes. Please use caring, judgment and leave poor English teachers' office supplies alone. Truthfully yours, Your English Teacher